New Life
I thought I was done writing for the night...but I couldn't help myself. I just got off the phone with Nichole and she was telling me about her experience in witnessing the birth of her godson, Tyler. I don't know what it is about hearing the first-hand accounts of child birth, but that has to be one of the most humbling and beautiful occurances on Earth. Aside from watching "Miracle of Life" in high school, I haven't seen a child birth up close and personal...but it is something that I would not want miss being a part of when my children are born. Just to witness a blessing face to face is incredible...and by the way I'm affected by hearing about child birth, I'm not going to lie...I will probably be crying. Seeing someone that has your eyes, her nose, your smile...that is completely earth moving to me. Can't even fully explain it. Maybe as I'm getting older I feel that I'm truly getting true sense of the small treasures in life that you are given.
I feel as though I have been in some deep meditation for the last two weeks, focusing on the meaning of happiness in life. Analyzing past relationships and asking myself brutally honest questions, like "Were you ever happy?" or "What's the difference between happiness and content?" Can't forget..."Were you looking for love?" Now for a man like myself to think something like this is highly unusual because it seemed as though up until the age 25 I have been in phase one of "Thick Face, Black Heart" (See previous post). Where I would come off, better yet I have been quite callous in actions with zero disregard of their effects. A feeling of detachment from true emotion as I was only showing the emotion that I saw fit for the situation...cookie cutting. In the weeks following my birthday I have been doing an extensive self-inquiry, becoming quite humble with all the decisions that I have made in the past, understanding that without them, I would not be where I am. And where am I...on my path...where does my path lead...to greatness if it kills me. That last statement may have sounded quite egotisical, but fuck it. I'm tired of going throughout life feeling the need to downplay anything that I do or say because of what might be said. Get-up off ya ass if you don't like where you are in life. So many people take life for granted and become locked inside of this box that society says they should fit in...I'm thinking outside of the box...better yet, I'm smashing the box. Fear of the unknown, is now used as motivation to set the guidelines for others to follow if they choose to. The key words are "if they choose to", cause no longer am I going to waste valueable time attempting to convience them of anything...I know my worth. That can be used in any form of life...business or personal. I will explain...but I will not plead. I will show...but I will not force.
Right now I feel I need to concentrate on life's less friviously pleasures...or should I say escaping pleasures. I have wasted some energy in 25 short years (Time=Energy), the old saying comes to mind, "If I had only known then what I know now". Hell you wouldn't be reading this, you would be watching this unfold on some major tv network news magazine. But knowing where I have made my previous mistakes, I will try to...I will improve on them to the point of perfection. Perfection is truly in the eye of the believer. So what I deem as perfect...you may not.
Even in relationships...not just what someone would call a romatic relationship...(I'll come back to that in a sec) but in friendships and business relationships. I'm taking the approach of "know thy enemy"...How the hell are you going to know your enemy, but not your friends. It happends all the time...I've been gulity of this. Especially in "romantic" relationships. I have this strong deep quam about me, I think that it is quite difficult or damn near impossible for me to have any long withstanding relationship of any value that began on a physical premise. Maybe I'm not the only one who thinks this, or I'm in a state where I am not going to fool myself in thinking so any more. I have tried and failed, and they all were in the same tune. Picture this: Would you trust your friend that has just gotten their learner's permit to drive cross-country with your car or your friend that you have ridden with numerous times and has had their liecence for a while? Sounds weird...now this is just a blanket statment...but I would feel more comfrontable in a relationship where there is foundation...where I know the person...not just their body, as with your friend who just got the permit...they know the theory, but they don't know the road. So from this point on...I'm gracious just for good company, conversation and companionship...then let the chips fall where they may. I mean really..the one I marry...best believe she is my best friend (not because she asked to be, but because she is), and I can trust her.
I've said all this to say that life is short. Yet in this short life we take so many things and people for granted. I think worse of all, we take ourselves for granted. We deny ourselves some of the wonderful things in life that we all at birth have the ability to assertain. Some may have a smother road ahead of them, but just because its smoother doesn't mean its safer and just because straight doesn't mean its easier. I know I'm sticking to my path.
I wish all the best to "Tyler's" parents...just hearing about your gift, has allowed me to put all this down.
I feel as though I have been in some deep meditation for the last two weeks, focusing on the meaning of happiness in life. Analyzing past relationships and asking myself brutally honest questions, like "Were you ever happy?" or "What's the difference between happiness and content?" Can't forget..."Were you looking for love?" Now for a man like myself to think something like this is highly unusual because it seemed as though up until the age 25 I have been in phase one of "Thick Face, Black Heart" (See previous post). Where I would come off, better yet I have been quite callous in actions with zero disregard of their effects. A feeling of detachment from true emotion as I was only showing the emotion that I saw fit for the situation...cookie cutting. In the weeks following my birthday I have been doing an extensive self-inquiry, becoming quite humble with all the decisions that I have made in the past, understanding that without them, I would not be where I am. And where am I...on my path...where does my path lead...to greatness if it kills me. That last statement may have sounded quite egotisical, but fuck it. I'm tired of going throughout life feeling the need to downplay anything that I do or say because of what might be said. Get-up off ya ass if you don't like where you are in life. So many people take life for granted and become locked inside of this box that society says they should fit in...I'm thinking outside of the box...better yet, I'm smashing the box. Fear of the unknown, is now used as motivation to set the guidelines for others to follow if they choose to. The key words are "if they choose to", cause no longer am I going to waste valueable time attempting to convience them of anything...I know my worth. That can be used in any form of life...business or personal. I will explain...but I will not plead. I will show...but I will not force.
Right now I feel I need to concentrate on life's less friviously pleasures...or should I say escaping pleasures. I have wasted some energy in 25 short years (Time=Energy), the old saying comes to mind, "If I had only known then what I know now". Hell you wouldn't be reading this, you would be watching this unfold on some major tv network news magazine. But knowing where I have made my previous mistakes, I will try to...I will improve on them to the point of perfection. Perfection is truly in the eye of the believer. So what I deem as perfect...you may not.
Even in relationships...not just what someone would call a romatic relationship...(I'll come back to that in a sec) but in friendships and business relationships. I'm taking the approach of "know thy enemy"...How the hell are you going to know your enemy, but not your friends. It happends all the time...I've been gulity of this. Especially in "romantic" relationships. I have this strong deep quam about me, I think that it is quite difficult or damn near impossible for me to have any long withstanding relationship of any value that began on a physical premise. Maybe I'm not the only one who thinks this, or I'm in a state where I am not going to fool myself in thinking so any more. I have tried and failed, and they all were in the same tune. Picture this: Would you trust your friend that has just gotten their learner's permit to drive cross-country with your car or your friend that you have ridden with numerous times and has had their liecence for a while? Sounds weird...now this is just a blanket statment...but I would feel more comfrontable in a relationship where there is foundation...where I know the person...not just their body, as with your friend who just got the permit...they know the theory, but they don't know the road. So from this point on...I'm gracious just for good company, conversation and companionship...then let the chips fall where they may. I mean really..the one I marry...best believe she is my best friend (not because she asked to be, but because she is), and I can trust her.
I've said all this to say that life is short. Yet in this short life we take so many things and people for granted. I think worse of all, we take ourselves for granted. We deny ourselves some of the wonderful things in life that we all at birth have the ability to assertain. Some may have a smother road ahead of them, but just because its smoother doesn't mean its safer and just because straight doesn't mean its easier. I know I'm sticking to my path.
I wish all the best to "Tyler's" parents...just hearing about your gift, has allowed me to put all this down.
posted by 9th at 11:18 PM
1 Comments:
you should of seen me during my c-section! it was cool as hell! seriously, your post was really sweet and it touched me.
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