Reminders

Ok...not to sound...what's the word (Looking in the dictionary)...like I give a shit. More like brash (sounds better), but some people can be rude/self-centered. I'm a leo, I know about self-centerness and ego, but not rudeness. There is a person out there in this world who has some serious issues...this time it isn't me.

Today someone was kind (*RUDE*) enough to send me an email reminding me of their birthday: SUBJECT: My Birthday BODY: DID YOU FORGET? Now normally if this was a person who I spoke to on a regular basis who I was cool with, yes chances are I would remembered their birthday, and wished them a happy one, but I haven't spoke to this chick in...how many months...5 or so. We really weren't that cool to begin with...got the sense she wanted someone to sweat her...that's just not me. I think what made it comical, and at the same time annoying was that
A: On the email I was one of 20 or so people (reminder by committee).
B: I checked into my old email (I don't delete shit), she happened to send out a "Lotus Notes Meeting Notice". The meeting subject of course was her birthday...now I thought at first it was a invite for a get together or something...but no...just to remind everyone her birthday was coming up. It sounded like a kid reminding his/her parents how many days were left until Christmas. I mean damn.
C: She's the type of person who sends out emails about meanless things...now I don't mind them, shit I like them from people I'm cool with and communicate with on a regular basis, but someone who is close to being a stranger (Better yet a road sign in the rearview mirror of life disappearing in the distance) I hate that shit.
D: Today wasn't even her birthday (According to the second reminder she sent out to make everyone aware her birthday was in 7 days...thus the child reminding its parents about Christmas on the 18th)
I felt like replying to her email like this:

SUBJECT: RE:My Birthday
BODY: My Birthday was LAST month, did YOU remember? Nope. Maybe I should of sent YOU a reminder.

(Reason #101 as to why I'm single)

Tanker Truck Full of Patience

I mean damn...I must have a tanker truck of patience that I hook-up to every night for refueling.

Patience I think is a gift, not something that is learned or taught. I learn this everyday...Everyday is a test. The purpose is still escaping me at this time, but I keep studying. Attempting unsuccessfully to out smart the proctor, when I know it is impossible. Somehow I survive pop quiz after pop quiz, without any signs of relief from the unrelenting barrage of questions. Lost are the answers deep inside an innerspace full of stars that are bright with energy and light. Enduring this darkest night shining effortlessly. Unending perils clash with lighting strikes and thunder claps. Appluding my inevitable downfall, eventhough I'm just in a position to crawl. A ball of unextinguishable blue flame rising from the depths, burning my flesh with these words that are lifted off my chest. A great plume of smoke is that is all that left. As more boxes I check...the more educated guesses I make. For who's sake.

New Life

I thought I was done writing for the night...but I couldn't help myself. I just got off the phone with Nichole and she was telling me about her experience in witnessing the birth of her godson, Tyler. I don't know what it is about hearing the first-hand accounts of child birth, but that has to be one of the most humbling and beautiful occurances on Earth. Aside from watching "Miracle of Life" in high school, I haven't seen a child birth up close and personal...but it is something that I would not want miss being a part of when my children are born. Just to witness a blessing face to face is incredible...and by the way I'm affected by hearing about child birth, I'm not going to lie...I will probably be crying. Seeing someone that has your eyes, her nose, your smile...that is completely earth moving to me. Can't even fully explain it. Maybe as I'm getting older I feel that I'm truly getting true sense of the small treasures in life that you are given.

I feel as though I have been in some deep meditation for the last two weeks, focusing on the meaning of happiness in life. Analyzing past relationships and asking myself brutally honest questions, like "Were you ever happy?" or "What's the difference between happiness and content?" Can't forget..."Were you looking for love?" Now for a man like myself to think something like this is highly unusual because it seemed as though up until the age 25 I have been in phase one of "Thick Face, Black Heart" (See previous post). Where I would come off, better yet I have been quite callous in actions with zero disregard of their effects. A feeling of detachment from true emotion as I was only showing the emotion that I saw fit for the situation...cookie cutting. In the weeks following my birthday I have been doing an extensive self-inquiry, becoming quite humble with all the decisions that I have made in the past, understanding that without them, I would not be where I am. And where am I...on my path...where does my path lead...to greatness if it kills me. That last statement may have sounded quite egotisical, but fuck it. I'm tired of going throughout life feeling the need to downplay anything that I do or say because of what might be said. Get-up off ya ass if you don't like where you are in life. So many people take life for granted and become locked inside of this box that society says they should fit in...I'm thinking outside of the box...better yet, I'm smashing the box. Fear of the unknown, is now used as motivation to set the guidelines for others to follow if they choose to. The key words are "if they choose to", cause no longer am I going to waste valueable time attempting to convience them of anything...I know my worth. That can be used in any form of life...business or personal. I will explain...but I will not plead. I will show...but I will not force.

Right now I feel I need to concentrate on life's less friviously pleasures...or should I say escaping pleasures. I have wasted some energy in 25 short years (Time=Energy), the old saying comes to mind, "If I had only known then what I know now". Hell you wouldn't be reading this, you would be watching this unfold on some major tv network news magazine. But knowing where I have made my previous mistakes, I will try to...I will improve on them to the point of perfection. Perfection is truly in the eye of the believer. So what I deem as perfect...you may not.

Even in relationships...not just what someone would call a romatic relationship...(I'll come back to that in a sec) but in friendships and business relationships. I'm taking the approach of "know thy enemy"...How the hell are you going to know your enemy, but not your friends. It happends all the time...I've been gulity of this. Especially in "romantic" relationships. I have this strong deep quam about me, I think that it is quite difficult or damn near impossible for me to have any long withstanding relationship of any value that began on a physical premise. Maybe I'm not the only one who thinks this, or I'm in a state where I am not going to fool myself in thinking so any more. I have tried and failed, and they all were in the same tune. Picture this: Would you trust your friend that has just gotten their learner's permit to drive cross-country with your car or your friend that you have ridden with numerous times and has had their liecence for a while? Sounds weird...now this is just a blanket statment...but I would feel more comfrontable in a relationship where there is foundation...where I know the person...not just their body, as with your friend who just got the permit...they know the theory, but they don't know the road. So from this point on...I'm gracious just for good company, conversation and companionship...then let the chips fall where they may. I mean really..the one I marry...best believe she is my best friend (not because she asked to be, but because she is), and I can trust her.

I've said all this to say that life is short. Yet in this short life we take so many things and people for granted. I think worse of all, we take ourselves for granted. We deny ourselves some of the wonderful things in life that we all at birth have the ability to assertain. Some may have a smother road ahead of them, but just because its smoother doesn't mean its safer and just because straight doesn't mean its easier. I know I'm sticking to my path.

I wish all the best to "Tyler's" parents...just hearing about your gift, has allowed me to put all this down.

Warrior Dressed In Slave's Clothing

I have really been in the writing mood...maybe its because I'm in a reading mood. I finally picked up "Thick Face, Black Heart". This book goes beyond deep into the human psyke of how we have all been in some way trained not to truly acheive our goals and why. The main reason is listening to...Sucka ass muthaphuckas, and though we despise them, we aim to please them. As I'm writing this I happen to be listening to this track I did last year that I have been wanting to write a short film to, why haven't I...well the book touches on that...some...scratch that, a lot of people have a fear of success and a fear of failure. It notes that (not in exact words) we should understand that fear should not be allow to destroy but to build, motivate, and conquer. To live without fear is to live with nothing.

-This is dedicated to those who face ridicule for travelling the unbeaten path in life...hopefully a wake up call for those still sleep walking


Attempt to deny me my destiny if you must
Feel the brunt of a hurricane wind gust
Plus, the conceptual pressure by watching me make it makes your head bust
Saying I'm burning bridges
I'm just blazing a trail electrifying like the third rail
Underground on the Sun you can call it a star
Most run but they don't get far
The light permeating from my pours absorbs
Mediocre get slammed with the force of a meteor
Fallen from orbit- turn my mic so you can record it
Jot it down in shorthand leaving enough space so I can expand
Inside your Universe with infinite cycles birthing molecules of thought
Breaking the vault
Exploding with anticipation like slot machines waiting for me to talk
More than pure luck, I strike with the pen, make sound bend, astounding
Holding my ground like a "Warrior Dressed In Slave's Clothing"

(Chorus)
Unfolding the map of the path I travel on
I don't think you can handle the math
You just feel the wrath of the aftermath
And hope to be in the credits in the cast
Of the past that couldn't last
Past the first 5 minutes-(Get it)
Unimportant like planets uninhibited
Unprohibited the words forged
In complete silence
Many galaxies beyond this when I meditate
So if you want to talk gravity
Best of have your coordinates straight